The Functionality of Grief

I just wanted to send out an apology to my readers of this blog.

It seems that I only feel compelled to write in my grief blog when I feel grief. (Go figure.)

Lately I am immersed in the holidays, family vacations, catching up with the laundry and dishes after the family vacation, a four day weekend, and Imbolc is tomorrow. A new hamster has arrived in our home, more holidays are coming, two birthdays coming up, and Valentine's Day plus my anniversary to my husband.

Lots of stuff is on my mind (oh and I'm reading my book club book, trying to edit a bit of my manuscript every week and start sending out query letters for magazine articles, too), so I am not currently in a state of grief.

It comes in waves, and it seems that this blog will come and go in waves, too. Though, for grieving readers, I understand that that is not the nurturing hand-holding that you need right now. If you need to connect and there isn't a new post for two months ... how can you feel connected?

So, here is my proposition.  You can comment on any of these postings in this blog and I will find it and email you back. If you choose a non-public forum, you may email me direct. You may comment on a posting, saying you want a private email. I will email you privately, thereby giving you my email address.

You can also check out my other blogs where I write about other aspects of my life. You will see subtle cross-overs into grief, because so much of what we encounter during our lives is tainted with grief. It can be a shadow that clouds out our peace during certain days, or months, or always.

This is not to say that you will always be depressed and weepy and unable to function on a daily basis because of your grief. But that you will wear your grief with grace. It touches (perhaps that is a better word than 'taints') pieces of your life and becomes a part of who you are.

I can't always think of milestones in my children's lives, without also thinking about Rob and his absence. Sometimes I am melancholy about it, other times I think: What a character! He would've loved this. And then I laugh.

Sometimes I remember his love for me and I feel sorrow that I don't have that now. True, I have a different kind of love, from a different kind of man and I have love for him. And, I don't have Rob's love anymore. Not in this realm, at least.

Sometimes I reach out into that other realm and connect, even for the briefest seconds. It brings a calm, snuggly feeling that reminds me that I am never alone. That his love really is there, even if I don't experience it every day.

But maybe I don't experience it because I don't reach out more often. But if I did that, would my husband now be affected? Would our relationship be affected? Would it diminish if I thought too much about Rob? Would it stagnant my growth as a person if I clung to the past? A past that can never be returned to me.

So are my thoughts this morning ... along with: it is lunchtime and I don't want to fix lunch for me and the children (Paul is a work), and we are going over to a friend's house to do some work on her house and I'd much rather get in sweats and pretend I can knit. :)

I hope you are well in spirit today.

Just for today.

Tomorrow is in the future, and we will only focus on today.

Just today, feel peace.

Namaste.