Journal Entry from 2002 "I Can Look At The Paul Painting Now"

I think perhaps I've been trying so hard to keep Rob in my sights to not forget even a litte bit. I was afraid to stop thinking of him for fear I'd forget once I turned my mind from him. But that's like trying to look at two paintings at once.

If you stand back and not really focus on them, you can do it. Or if you focus on one , but stand so that the other is in your peripheral vision you can see them both, but while you are focused on the one visually, your mind has drifted to another.

I think I can see that the proper way to look at each painting is to go at each one wholely at a time. I have been looking at the Rob picture, so now I can turn my eyes and mind and heart to the Paul painting. I can turn off the Rob-drifting-mind because I know I won't forget him. I just need to take a time out from Paul watching and look at the Rob painting to remember everything.

I don't have to remember, I can just look back at the rob painting when I need to -- when it is appropriate. I will be able to see the Paul painting better this way.

It's like making a list when things are running around in my head. I write it doen so I don't have to remember. So I can think better.

I won't need to spend so much energy in remembering Rob anymore. I will simply "look back" when I need to. But my focus will be on Paul's painting now.