"Going Back" Abstract

One of the most confusing aspects of integrating your grief, or as some delude themseves into believing: "getting over it," is how to do it with the least amount of trauma to your family or new relationships.

When I first started talking on the phone with Paul, at the beginnning of our relationship, I told him that Rob's family would always be weaved into our lives: weekly phone calls, yearly visits, pictures on the wall -- that sort of thing.

"I know you had a history before I came along -- I did to," he says. He always makes sure that Rob is not forgotten and that he doesn't replace Rob -- only adds to the love we have for the children.

Despite this assurance I always wonder if my remembering rob aloud or having a day where I'm pensive and miss him causes hurt feeling for Paul. Is it possible, perhaps, that Paul feels badly when I talk about Rob even though he says differently?

This affects how I grieve and -- truthfully -- stunts my process. How can I let go and feel sad when Paul is there feeling second fiddle, or trying to make me feel better? And so for a long time I felt shame for grieving.

The writing of this book was a highway of mixed emotions -- swerving around each other, passing on the right and unexpected traffic jams.

My essay, "Going Back," addresses the fears of messing with your new partner's heart while you're still grieving your old one.