Instead of asking "How are you doing?", ask "How are you grieving?"
This makes far more sense to me as a recovering griever. Whenever someone asked "How are you doing?" -- and I could even be crying when they asked -- I'd always stop mid-blubber and stare at them slack-jawed. Like I'd been slapped. HARD.
My internal responses were: "What the fuck do you think?! [insert irreverent name based on gender]", or a more generic - yet not quite vanilla - "I feel like shit. Duh."
Instead, out loud, I resorted to "Fine" or a shrug with a trailing off "Well ..." or "You know ..." Embarrassed-like.
And then I'd feel even more shitty for suggesting that I was "Fine" that my husband had just died, and I felt like throwing up in my mouth a little bit.
Seriously. Don't put grievers in that situation.
What you really want to know anyway is how they are grieving. Do they stare at the wall? Are they sleeping? Can they eat yet?
Ask those questions.
2 comments:
I'm not sure that's entirely fair. Everyone grieves differently, and no-one knows how, or what to say, or what to do for the best.
My way of coping was to keep away from others and process it all internally. Family, friends and colleagues all found that hard, and only two people (both older women) got it right. My family, my close friends and others had no idea what was going on in my head and wanted to help but couldn't.
I was angry with them for not being telepathic while knowing I was being grossly unfair. At least one friend was so furious with me for NOT needing her that she withdrew her friendship for several years.
But I couldn't do it any differently. To expect people to know the precise words to say is probably asking too much! Although I know the frustration and rage you describe – it's something overt that we can rage at, and a living target to hit. Grief is not kind.
I loved the line: "I was angry with them for not being telepathic while knowing I was being grossly unfair." So true. I totally related to that.
I don't expect people to know the precise words to say. And whenever someone did say something to me, I myself often didn't know how to respond. I was merely offering another option.
Be well, my friend.
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