Understand the six needs of mourning

From the same book I mentioned before ("Healing your Grieving Heart" by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD), comes another list that just knocked my socks off. But not if you just skim it.

Each of these needs we have (while we are mourning), have an activity to do that Alan Wolfelt believes will help your healing process do its thing. Really read the statement and do the 'homework' associated with it.

And let me know if it works for you, please. One of my favorite quotes from Alan is: "Grief is a process, not an event." Let's work through this process together.

 1. Acknowledge the reality of the death.

~gently confront yourself

~it may occur over weeks and months (this is ok)

~acknowledge your loss with your head and then your heart

~keep in mind that integration comes in doses, as you are ready

Tell someone about the death today. This will help you work on this important need.

  2.  Embrace the pain of the loss.

~we don't naturally want to do this -- it's easier to avoid

~this is how you learn to reconcile yourself to it

~dose yourself on embracing your pain as you need to -- you can't do it all at once.

Reach out and spend time with someone who doesn't try to take your pain and sense of loss away.

 3.  Remember the person who died.

~he/she lives on through our memories

~actively remember and commemorate the life that was lived; it's healthy

~never let someone else try to take your memories away (trying to help you); it's good for    you to continue to display those pictures.

~remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible.

Brainstorm a list of characteristics or memories of the person who died. Write as fast as you can for ten minutes, then put away the list for future reflection.

 4.  Develop a new self-identity.

~part of who you are was formed by the relationship you had with that person that died.

~the way you defined yourself and the way society defines you has changed (ex: wife                       to widow)

~re-anchor yourself, reconstruct your self-identity. This is long and hard work.

~you may discover some positive changes as you work on this (more caring,                                     less judgmental, more strong)

Write this statement down:  I used to be ________________.  Now that ______ died, I am _______________.  This makes me feel ___________________.

 5.  Search for meaning.

~naturally you will now question the meaning and purpose of life and death (particularly this one that you are now grieving).

~Why and How questions may surface uncontrollably. (Why did this happen? How will I go on living?)

~question philosophy of life, explore different religions and spiritualities

~"Blessed are thos who mourn for they shall be comforted." Even if you have faith, you still need to mourn.

Write down a list of 'why' questions that have come up for you since the death. Go through them with a friend or counselor who won't feel she has to give you all the answers.

 6.  Receive ongoing support from others.

~we need the love and understanding of others to heal.

~don't feel ashamed of your dependence right now; revel knowing others care for you.

~society places too much value on "doing well" and "carrying on" that we lose support too 

soon.

~grief is a process not an event. You will need support for weeks, months and years.

Friends want to help but don't know how. Call them and tell them you'll need help 

in the coming weeks.

Things To Do Together With The One You Love

This list is the sort of thing you would want to have before your partner dies.

I, thankfully, had made this list while Rob was still living. Mind you, we did only three or four of the things on the list -- but I wrote it with him in mind. And then when I found it tucked in an old journal after his death, it was a secret little gift of a memory.

So, thank you to whoever helped me find my old list.

And here's a copy for you. Maybe you have one tucked somewhere, too. Or maybe you can make a list of the things that you did do together, or maybe you can make a list of the things you wished you had done together. That would be a healing gift to yourself right now.

Blessings and Peace to you, Reader.

And now here is my list:

Things To Do (or Wish You'd Done, or You Had Done) With The One You Love

 1.  feed the ducks at the park (but don't bring bread 'cuz that makes the ducks sick)

 2.  make a picnic lunch and explore a beautiful place we've never been and eat our lunch there

 3.  go hiking

 4.  go on a scavenger hunt

 5.  go fishing under a covered bridge

 6.  plant a garden

 7.  write a story about ourselves

 8.  jump in a river together

 9.  go to the coast and eat clam chowder

10. go dance in the fields and pick wildflowers

11.  pick somewhere and plant wildflowers

12.  go visit botanical gardens

13.  go to the zoo

14.  go camping

15.  leave notes in fun places

16.  build a collage together

And Gramma Follows

I just got the call that my gramma died tonight. I was trying to figure out a way to see her tomorrow. I was there visiting today. I was there maybe an hour total. 

She asked me (one of the few coherent things she said the whole time I was there) to stay until hospice could get there to bathe her, and I had to say, "No." I had a meeting with Robert's web academy teacher. I felt yucky about not staying with her when she asked, especially now that she's died tonight, but I'm happy that I went and saw her today.

I had this fantasy that I would be there with her when she died, but just told my mom this morning that if it didn't happen, I would be at least content that I'd been visiting up until she died. (But that's not entirely true. I hadn't been visiting. My record has been pretty much nil, until I would say October. (possibly September). 

I visited once in October, once in November, once last week and today. After seeing her today and talking with the staff at the assisted living place she was at, I had decided to see her as close to daily as I could before she died -- knowing that she most likely had less than a week to live.

So. That was my brilliant "visiting my gramma before she died" record.

It was difficult to understand most of what she said to me today. I did catch, "You and I come from the same place ... But that's not right .... " Was she talking of the spirit realm?

I told her: "I know that you and I believe different things, but I believe that you and I will see each other again. In a different life. We'll be together again."

It looked like she nodded. Or maybe it was just a tremor.

I gave her Reiki while I was there today. I tried talking to her spirit and telling her silently that she could leave whenever she needed to.

In tears I remember my grandmother. She was such a neat lady. Truly one of a kind. With all the neuroses and creative angst one would expect from a woman writer that wasn't supported very much in her art.

I love you, Gramma. Find peace and health in your next life, and remember me. As I will remember you.

The Mourner's Code

"The Mourner's Code: Ten Self-Compassionate Principles" is taken from Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD's book, "Healing Your Grieving Heart."

I thought maybe it may help some of you begin to believe that your grieving pattern is normal for you. Everyone grieves differently and you are no exception. (Or maybe we're all exceptions.)

THE MOURNER'S CODE

Ten Self-Compassionate Principles

 1.  You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

 2.  You have the right to talk about your grief.

 3.  You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

 4.  You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

 5.  You have the right to experience "grief bursts."

 6.  You have the right to make use of ritual.

 7.  You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

 8.  You have the right to search for meaning.

 9.  You have the right to treasure your memories.

10.  You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

An Eskimo Legend

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."

~inspired by an Eskimo legend

~a card given to me after Rob died

I'm done with my novel's rough draft

I'm taking a break from novel writing and will go back to edit in about a month.

In the meantime I'll be able to pad this blog up a bit. I am sorry for the delays and neglect, but Nano called. :)